Setback

The last couple days have not gone well for me. There's been some lines drawn in the sand and the stress is making it easier for me to choose to fall back into my old patterns.

The good note: I've been eating something daily. Nothing healthy and only once a day. But, I've been eating DAILY. I don't even have the words to say how huge this really is.

The not so good note: I don't feel hungry, even not eating. Not one bit. I also don't want to eat and forget to eat until the evening. I'd forgotten how EASY it is for me to not eat. I mean, I get busy and since I don't get hungry often ooops...the day is gone without me eating.

I'm too afraid to get on the scale right now. I had been steady for over a week, which is a good sign for me. Now....I don't know. I'll check in the morning and see where I am at.

At least I am eating every day, I'll take once a day if that gets me through this.

Learning to focus

I think many people would be surprised to know who unfocused I really am. Oh, I walk a good line and can fake it with the best of them. But, deep down I procrastinate everything and when it comes to it, just plain can't focus when I need to. It's like a dirty little secret to keep hidden from the world.

Because of this, I have spent countless hours pouring over self-help, spirituality, meditation, visualization, concentration, study skills, books, websites, practices, CDs, DVDs, anything to help me learn to focus. Nothing's worked. Maybe it's my method, maybe it's my subpar study skills (don't laugh, I may earn high grades but that's just b/c I learn to "speak" the individual language of my instructors fairly quickly, not because I have some study super powers. For whatever reason, I never gained the ability to focus for long periods of time on anything.

Or so I thought.....Apparently, according to those who know me well, I am incredibly focused when I want to be. I have to be interested in my topic (which is why I dropped Eng 101 3 or 4 times before I finally just finished the class) or somehow be personally invested in the outcome. Sorry to say, grades are not enough to make me put forth more than the minimal effort.

Now I know that I need to either be interested in a topic or have a personal gain in order to be willing to expend the effort and focus on it. So I am resorting to the ages-old parenting trick---bribery. Yup, I will bribe myself to focus on things I don't like in order to learn this invaluable skill.

The concept of rewarding oneself is not unheard of. Many motivational texts and self-help resources recommend rewards as a matter of course, whether it's for keeping a positive self-image, taking better care of oneself, or building a successful...whatever. We thrive on rewards. Having a goal seems to make the labor to get there bearable. So why not take that principle and apply it to focus?

I will still use other tools to help practice and hone this skill. A varied tool box is a valuable asset in almost any endeavor. My hope is that focusing becomes less of a struggle (making rewards less necessary) as time goes on. We'll see how well this works.

Too Little, Too Late or "I can't fix your mistakes"

ch had Like many parents, DH and I do not see eye to eye on many parenting decisions. I think one was is better, he thinks the opposite is the BEST. It's always something from school to medical care, from bedtimes to discipline. Like most parents, we've each had our non-negotiable sticking points. We've each had to give a little (or a lot). Compromise isn't the issue here. Every parent compromises, it's what parents DO.

No, our issue is something else entirely. Our issue is one parent, having INSISTED that their way was the "only way" for years, (Six to be exact, on this round) suddenly sees the error of their ways and wants the other parent to "fix" the problems that occurred. NOT out of any respect for the other parent, since that has been systematically dismantled in the preceeding years but because the first parent suddenly "found" an "expert" that says that what the other parent has been saying for YEARS is correct. The problem is that the kids have no respect for parent #2, having observed the treatment of parent #1. So, now that #1 has decreed that #2 is worthy of parental authority, the kids don't see it that way.

They remember #1 telling #2 for years that thier ideas were "worthless, garbage, not going to work" and reinforcing those words with actions that countered anything #2 would try to do. The result is kids who don't respect #2 as a parent and fear and loathe parent #1(which is what #1 was ultimately AIMING for to begin with until an "expert" said that fear may not be the best tool). Now, all of a sudden #1 wants #2 to fix all the "mistakes" and make things better after #1 spent so many years systematically destroying any credibility #2 had with the kids. Not gonna happen.

Have you ever TRIED to set a routine with kids who know you have no parental authority? Enforce rules, bedtimes, nutritional guidelines, anything? Yeah...I may as well move a mountain with a spoon. Every single decision I have made regarding my children has been criticised, torn down, and disregarded OPENLY to them. They know for a fact that whatever I tell them, their dad will say pretty much the opposite. Now that the damage is done, he expects me to rush in and "fix" everything. I didn't make this mess to begin with.

This is not to say I am totally blameless in this situation. I could have stayed gone any of the times I left. I could have....but I didn't. I was so beat down and tired that I just gave up, figuring that he was out to "win" at any cost any way and at least by staying I would have some tiny say in my kids lives. Now I *can't* fix this. At all. There is nothing I can do by myself to make this situation better. Since the kids only listen to him (and only under threat at that) NOTHING I say or do is making a difference. And because I CAN'T fix this, he WON'T. Anything that requires forethought or effort or respect for the children as people is beyond his ability to comprehend.

For example, I expect my children to be self-sufficient. As any parent of multiple kids knows, there comes a time when they outnumber you. I can't be in all places at once. Because of this there are certain things I expect them to be able to do for themselves, so I taught them these skills. Such things as getting the milk from the fridge and a cup from the cupboard for their drinks, getting their own cereal, making their own sandwiches. My oldest has been doing these things since he was TWO. I showed him and then let him learn to do it himself. When number 2 reached 2, I did the same. All was well until Dad decided that doing these things was "off limits", not only was it off limits now, it had ALWAYS been off-limits and how dare I teach them these things?

But now I'm "good enough" to help clean up this mess? NOW I can try to teach the kids to be self-sufficient, to care for their property, to be conscientious of others? Now that he's found an "expert" that says fear and violence are not the answer, and that kids NEED consistency, routines, trust to thrive. NOW I can be a parent.

It's too little, too late. I cannot fix this. HE needs to take the initiative and unshow the kids all the disrespect he's taught them. It's not just saying "listen to mom" it's DOING it. Until that day comes, there's very little I can do.

Decisions, decisions....

Well, I have decided to stop the diet for right now. For one thing, it was making me sick and as soon as I started eating more I started feeling better. The main reason really has nothing to do with weight or dieting and everything to do with my eating disorder.

My family has watched me struggle with eating for over twenty years now. I know, I know, I'm fat and fat people don't have eating disorders that don't include binge eating, right? Well, not exactly. I am fat because I can "forget" to eat for days....sometimes three or four at a time. When I remember and eat, no matter what I eat my body holds on to every bit of it, waiting for the next starvation period. I got so bad during one of my pregnancies that my husband would call people and have them bring me food at regularish intervals, NOT remind me to eat but physically HAND me the food. Pregnant and I needed to be reminded to eat.

Anyway, that's one thing this diet really brought home to me: how much I need to learn to eat regularly first. Even on the diet I could "forget" to eat a meal or two or just eat one protein portion per day, I mean it was so easy for me to just keep on. Which meant, once the diet was over the weight would creep back up again too. I can't keep doing that to myself.

Instead, I am making a concentrated effort to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY. My goal is 4 times per day at least, preferably 5-6. I need to eat reasonable sized portions of healthy, regular food at least 4 times per day. This means, a measured bowl of cereal, one muffin, etc when I wake up, a small sandwhich, salad, soup, fruit, etc in the afternoon, and a meal consisting of protein and fruit/veggie in the evening with AT LEAST one snack thoughout the day. Snacks are: a piece of fruit, salad, veggies, etc. I don't need to eat things that are overly sugary, salty, etc. I don't want them and I don't particularly like most of them anyway.

So far, I've been doing pretty good. I'm getting support from my family. But it's so hard.
For twenty years I have been good at just not eating and now all of a sudden, I need to EAT. I don't really get hungry anymore so I'm making myself eat while thinking "I don't really need to do this". But I do, I really do.

Once I feel that I've gotten THIS part of it under control, I will then focus on the weight issue if need be. Then I can look at what I need to change and do in order to make me healthier. I can't successfully lose weight if I continue to "feed" my disorder. I need to get this under control so I can be healthy.