It begins again

New term....4 new classes. What did I get myself into with this? I looked at the expectations for ONE class and about had a heart attack. The next 4 months is gonna be one hell of a ride--and that doesn't include the necessity of finding a job or moving.

At least this year has provided me with an intellectual challenge. It's refreshing to have to think through the assignments instead of intuiting them.

Beginning and Ending

Well, another year has gone by and it's not real surprise to me that I haven't updated this very often. While I have made huge personal progress over the last several months, there are still some issues I need to deal with. Some of these issues deal with keeping a diary or record of days--until I can resolve them within myself any type of diary keeping is going to be difficult for me. At least I know where to start now.

Thinking on the past year and how much has changed brings me a sense of peace. This time last year I was a wreck--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We had been moving from crisis to crisis with no break in between and very little support. Between the accident and health issues, school, work, family issues, trying to find a place to live, not knowing whether J would need surgery, or even if he would survive, to what amounted to a huge betrayal by family--there was just nothing left of me for me.

At the end of this year, there are still some huge challenges. But I'm stronger now, more able to accept that there are things in life that I cannot control and more willing to bend instead of breaking when life throws too many things for me to deal with all at once. There have been lessons learned and huge gains made on this journey---the path may have been hard but what has been gained is priceless.

Restless

That sums it up perfectly. Restless, unable to relax or get stuff done. Lack of focus but more than that. It's been many years since I've felt the wanderlust like this--then there were no ties or restrictions. Now......the world has changed. I have changed but not quite enough I guess.

There is something to be said for sitting quietly with yourself and thinking. Realizing that you can change and essentially remain the same. Knowing that you can control your impulses.

Today--I want to wander yet I will remain where I am.

Well, I can now say that I have eaten something every single day since September. It's not always been the best food, some days it was a stretch to even call it "food" but for the first time in many, many years I actually consumed something of nutritional value daily for almost 2 whole months. I am actually starting to feel hunger again, which is good I guess. My weight during this time has been pretty stable--only fluctuating by about 3 pounds or so, another change from my norm.

In the next couple of months I plan to keep track of *what* I am eating more than when, which is the next step to getting healthy. Someday, eating will not be a struggle.

Panic

I'm not there.....yet. It's close. Very close. I now have confirmation that DH's "full time" employment is not sufficient enough to cover even ONE of our monthly bills and with my working hours cut in half, screwed does not even BEGIN to describe our situation.

I am hoping the electric company sends a shut off notice before shutting the electricity off so we can apply for assistance. I am hoping that I can somehow manage to work enough to cover the shortfall in RENT so we are not homeless again this winter. I have given up on my car-I am just hoping we can keep it together long enough for me to find more work.

I need to find a job--at this point preferably one where I can work a couple overnights a week since I'm not having much luck in my field. Not sure how much more of this I can take before I crack. If it's not one thing, it's another. We'll get through this, we always do but I'm worried about how much more of ME I'll lose in the process.

I can be optimistic in the afternoon, right now I feel hopeless.

Chaos

I cannot function in a chaotic environment.

So, why do I keep inviting chaos into my life? Why am I giving my power over? Why am I choosing to act powerless and allow chaos to rule?

I think the real question may be--what do I have to lose by kicking the chaos out of my life?

Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Like the you that is you and the you that others expect are not the same person? How do you handle the disconnect between the different facets of you?

That's one of my struggles this week-reconciling me with what others expect of me. Much of my internal struggle is brought on by me, not different expectations. I understand that. Still, there are times when it seems as if I don't even know the person others see when they look at me.