Well, I can now say that I have eaten something every single day since September. It's not always been the best food, some days it was a stretch to even call it "food" but for the first time in many, many years I actually consumed something of nutritional value daily for almost 2 whole months. I am actually starting to feel hunger again, which is good I guess. My weight during this time has been pretty stable--only fluctuating by about 3 pounds or so, another change from my norm.

In the next couple of months I plan to keep track of *what* I am eating more than when, which is the next step to getting healthy. Someday, eating will not be a struggle.

Setback

The last couple days have not gone well for me. There's been some lines drawn in the sand and the stress is making it easier for me to choose to fall back into my old patterns.

The good note: I've been eating something daily. Nothing healthy and only once a day. But, I've been eating DAILY. I don't even have the words to say how huge this really is.

The not so good note: I don't feel hungry, even not eating. Not one bit. I also don't want to eat and forget to eat until the evening. I'd forgotten how EASY it is for me to not eat. I mean, I get busy and since I don't get hungry often ooops...the day is gone without me eating.

I'm too afraid to get on the scale right now. I had been steady for over a week, which is a good sign for me. Now....I don't know. I'll check in the morning and see where I am at.

At least I am eating every day, I'll take once a day if that gets me through this.

Decisions, decisions....

Well, I have decided to stop the diet for right now. For one thing, it was making me sick and as soon as I started eating more I started feeling better. The main reason really has nothing to do with weight or dieting and everything to do with my eating disorder.

My family has watched me struggle with eating for over twenty years now. I know, I know, I'm fat and fat people don't have eating disorders that don't include binge eating, right? Well, not exactly. I am fat because I can "forget" to eat for days....sometimes three or four at a time. When I remember and eat, no matter what I eat my body holds on to every bit of it, waiting for the next starvation period. I got so bad during one of my pregnancies that my husband would call people and have them bring me food at regularish intervals, NOT remind me to eat but physically HAND me the food. Pregnant and I needed to be reminded to eat.

Anyway, that's one thing this diet really brought home to me: how much I need to learn to eat regularly first. Even on the diet I could "forget" to eat a meal or two or just eat one protein portion per day, I mean it was so easy for me to just keep on. Which meant, once the diet was over the weight would creep back up again too. I can't keep doing that to myself.

Instead, I am making a concentrated effort to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY. My goal is 4 times per day at least, preferably 5-6. I need to eat reasonable sized portions of healthy, regular food at least 4 times per day. This means, a measured bowl of cereal, one muffin, etc when I wake up, a small sandwhich, salad, soup, fruit, etc in the afternoon, and a meal consisting of protein and fruit/veggie in the evening with AT LEAST one snack thoughout the day. Snacks are: a piece of fruit, salad, veggies, etc. I don't need to eat things that are overly sugary, salty, etc. I don't want them and I don't particularly like most of them anyway.

So far, I've been doing pretty good. I'm getting support from my family. But it's so hard.
For twenty years I have been good at just not eating and now all of a sudden, I need to EAT. I don't really get hungry anymore so I'm making myself eat while thinking "I don't really need to do this". But I do, I really do.

Once I feel that I've gotten THIS part of it under control, I will then focus on the weight issue if need be. Then I can look at what I need to change and do in order to make me healthier. I can't successfully lose weight if I continue to "feed" my disorder. I need to get this under control so I can be healthy.