It begins again

New term....4 new classes. What did I get myself into with this? I looked at the expectations for ONE class and about had a heart attack. The next 4 months is gonna be one hell of a ride--and that doesn't include the necessity of finding a job or moving.

At least this year has provided me with an intellectual challenge. It's refreshing to have to think through the assignments instead of intuiting them.

Exam time!

I took my first official grad school exam today. Yeah...that was not fun. It did make me realize just how much more work I need to dedicate to school this term. That, at least is something.

I am still behind in several classes and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through. Most of it is a lack of motivation combined with exhaustion and the fact that my kids will not sleep at bedtime or leave me alone at study time. It's a no-win situation.

Kids + School

If you want a sure-fire way to cause massive temper tantrums in your house just tell your kids you are doing homework.

I promise you that within 20 minutes, they will all act like the world is coming to an end and you are a mean, vile person for neglecting them.

Meanwhile, your homework is expected to complete itself and your books should be inputting their information directly into your brain with no assistance from you.



Another FYI, school syllabi make WONDERFUL artwork...just ask my 2 year old.

Learning to focus

I think many people would be surprised to know who unfocused I really am. Oh, I walk a good line and can fake it with the best of them. But, deep down I procrastinate everything and when it comes to it, just plain can't focus when I need to. It's like a dirty little secret to keep hidden from the world.

Because of this, I have spent countless hours pouring over self-help, spirituality, meditation, visualization, concentration, study skills, books, websites, practices, CDs, DVDs, anything to help me learn to focus. Nothing's worked. Maybe it's my method, maybe it's my subpar study skills (don't laugh, I may earn high grades but that's just b/c I learn to "speak" the individual language of my instructors fairly quickly, not because I have some study super powers. For whatever reason, I never gained the ability to focus for long periods of time on anything.

Or so I thought.....Apparently, according to those who know me well, I am incredibly focused when I want to be. I have to be interested in my topic (which is why I dropped Eng 101 3 or 4 times before I finally just finished the class) or somehow be personally invested in the outcome. Sorry to say, grades are not enough to make me put forth more than the minimal effort.

Now I know that I need to either be interested in a topic or have a personal gain in order to be willing to expend the effort and focus on it. So I am resorting to the ages-old parenting trick---bribery. Yup, I will bribe myself to focus on things I don't like in order to learn this invaluable skill.

The concept of rewarding oneself is not unheard of. Many motivational texts and self-help resources recommend rewards as a matter of course, whether it's for keeping a positive self-image, taking better care of oneself, or building a successful...whatever. We thrive on rewards. Having a goal seems to make the labor to get there bearable. So why not take that principle and apply it to focus?

I will still use other tools to help practice and hone this skill. A varied tool box is a valuable asset in almost any endeavor. My hope is that focusing becomes less of a struggle (making rewards less necessary) as time goes on. We'll see how well this works.

Motivation

A few weeks ago I decided to attempt to create a mentoring program in a local community. With help from many wonderful people, we got the paperwork in by the deadline. This afternoon I received a phone call that will shape my direction for the next year at the very least. The powers that be are giving my program a chance. They have requested some clarification of a few points but pending the receipt of satisfactory clarification, they have given my project the go-ahead.

A little history: when I was first presented the opportunity to work with this agency in a different capacity, I flat out refused. In fact, it was only by the good graces of my friends that I was allowed to work with this agency at all, as I stubbornly refused to consider them earlier. Out of reluctance has come one of the most meaningful connections I have made thus far in my path. I started to realize that I believe in the work this agency is doing. I found myself wanting to continue to support them, even in a small way.

My motivation is not to help the agency, the agency is capable of helping itself. My motivation is the people who rely on this agency. The local community, the surrounding neighborhood, the many faces who show up to events or to chat or take a class. I'm beginning to realize that my primary motivation for everything is not some abstract theory or moral ground, it's the people. I want to work to help people and thus help society as a whole. It's a good feeling.