Well, I can now say that I have eaten something every single day since September. It's not always been the best food, some days it was a stretch to even call it "food" but for the first time in many, many years I actually consumed something of nutritional value daily for almost 2 whole months. I am actually starting to feel hunger again, which is good I guess. My weight during this time has been pretty stable--only fluctuating by about 3 pounds or so, another change from my norm.

In the next couple of months I plan to keep track of *what* I am eating more than when, which is the next step to getting healthy. Someday, eating will not be a struggle.

Panic

I'm not there.....yet. It's close. Very close. I now have confirmation that DH's "full time" employment is not sufficient enough to cover even ONE of our monthly bills and with my working hours cut in half, screwed does not even BEGIN to describe our situation.

I am hoping the electric company sends a shut off notice before shutting the electricity off so we can apply for assistance. I am hoping that I can somehow manage to work enough to cover the shortfall in RENT so we are not homeless again this winter. I have given up on my car-I am just hoping we can keep it together long enough for me to find more work.

I need to find a job--at this point preferably one where I can work a couple overnights a week since I'm not having much luck in my field. Not sure how much more of this I can take before I crack. If it's not one thing, it's another. We'll get through this, we always do but I'm worried about how much more of ME I'll lose in the process.

I can be optimistic in the afternoon, right now I feel hopeless.

Chaos

I cannot function in a chaotic environment.

So, why do I keep inviting chaos into my life? Why am I giving my power over? Why am I choosing to act powerless and allow chaos to rule?

I think the real question may be--what do I have to lose by kicking the chaos out of my life?

Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Like the you that is you and the you that others expect are not the same person? How do you handle the disconnect between the different facets of you?

That's one of my struggles this week-reconciling me with what others expect of me. Much of my internal struggle is brought on by me, not different expectations. I understand that. Still, there are times when it seems as if I don't even know the person others see when they look at me.

Staying put or moving forward?

How many people stay where they are, with people, places, jobs, homes--simply because it's easier? How many times have you wondered to yourself why am I still here? Do you stay because it's safe? Easy? Comfortable? Do you move on because it's time? How do you make that choice?
When would you make that choice?

When you're standing at a crossroads, how do you choose which way to go? Can you choose a direction, or do you wait for life or another person to make the choice for you?

How many of us can truly say "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul"(W.E. Henley)

FTR

Just an FYI: Having an infection in your jaw is not conducive to eating.

It does however make you crabby, and unable to sleep.

Exam time!

I took my first official grad school exam today. Yeah...that was not fun. It did make me realize just how much more work I need to dedicate to school this term. That, at least is something.

I am still behind in several classes and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through. Most of it is a lack of motivation combined with exhaustion and the fact that my kids will not sleep at bedtime or leave me alone at study time. It's a no-win situation.

Kids + School

If you want a sure-fire way to cause massive temper tantrums in your house just tell your kids you are doing homework.

I promise you that within 20 minutes, they will all act like the world is coming to an end and you are a mean, vile person for neglecting them.

Meanwhile, your homework is expected to complete itself and your books should be inputting their information directly into your brain with no assistance from you.



Another FYI, school syllabi make WONDERFUL artwork...just ask my 2 year old.