Beginning and Ending

Well, another year has gone by and it's not real surprise to me that I haven't updated this very often. While I have made huge personal progress over the last several months, there are still some issues I need to deal with. Some of these issues deal with keeping a diary or record of days--until I can resolve them within myself any type of diary keeping is going to be difficult for me. At least I know where to start now.

Thinking on the past year and how much has changed brings me a sense of peace. This time last year I was a wreck--physically, emotionally, and spiritually. We had been moving from crisis to crisis with no break in between and very little support. Between the accident and health issues, school, work, family issues, trying to find a place to live, not knowing whether J would need surgery, or even if he would survive, to what amounted to a huge betrayal by family--there was just nothing left of me for me.

At the end of this year, there are still some huge challenges. But I'm stronger now, more able to accept that there are things in life that I cannot control and more willing to bend instead of breaking when life throws too many things for me to deal with all at once. There have been lessons learned and huge gains made on this journey---the path may have been hard but what has been gained is priceless.

Restless

That sums it up perfectly. Restless, unable to relax or get stuff done. Lack of focus but more than that. It's been many years since I've felt the wanderlust like this--then there were no ties or restrictions. Now......the world has changed. I have changed but not quite enough I guess.

There is something to be said for sitting quietly with yourself and thinking. Realizing that you can change and essentially remain the same. Knowing that you can control your impulses.

Today--I want to wander yet I will remain where I am.

Well, I can now say that I have eaten something every single day since September. It's not always been the best food, some days it was a stretch to even call it "food" but for the first time in many, many years I actually consumed something of nutritional value daily for almost 2 whole months. I am actually starting to feel hunger again, which is good I guess. My weight during this time has been pretty stable--only fluctuating by about 3 pounds or so, another change from my norm.

In the next couple of months I plan to keep track of *what* I am eating more than when, which is the next step to getting healthy. Someday, eating will not be a struggle.

Panic

I'm not there.....yet. It's close. Very close. I now have confirmation that DH's "full time" employment is not sufficient enough to cover even ONE of our monthly bills and with my working hours cut in half, screwed does not even BEGIN to describe our situation.

I am hoping the electric company sends a shut off notice before shutting the electricity off so we can apply for assistance. I am hoping that I can somehow manage to work enough to cover the shortfall in RENT so we are not homeless again this winter. I have given up on my car-I am just hoping we can keep it together long enough for me to find more work.

I need to find a job--at this point preferably one where I can work a couple overnights a week since I'm not having much luck in my field. Not sure how much more of this I can take before I crack. If it's not one thing, it's another. We'll get through this, we always do but I'm worried about how much more of ME I'll lose in the process.

I can be optimistic in the afternoon, right now I feel hopeless.

Chaos

I cannot function in a chaotic environment.

So, why do I keep inviting chaos into my life? Why am I giving my power over? Why am I choosing to act powerless and allow chaos to rule?

I think the real question may be--what do I have to lose by kicking the chaos out of my life?

Will the Real Me Please Stand Up?

Do you ever feel like a fraud? Like the you that is you and the you that others expect are not the same person? How do you handle the disconnect between the different facets of you?

That's one of my struggles this week-reconciling me with what others expect of me. Much of my internal struggle is brought on by me, not different expectations. I understand that. Still, there are times when it seems as if I don't even know the person others see when they look at me.

Staying put or moving forward?

How many people stay where they are, with people, places, jobs, homes--simply because it's easier? How many times have you wondered to yourself why am I still here? Do you stay because it's safe? Easy? Comfortable? Do you move on because it's time? How do you make that choice?
When would you make that choice?

When you're standing at a crossroads, how do you choose which way to go? Can you choose a direction, or do you wait for life or another person to make the choice for you?

How many of us can truly say "I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul"(W.E. Henley)

FTR

Just an FYI: Having an infection in your jaw is not conducive to eating.

It does however make you crabby, and unable to sleep.

Exam time!

I took my first official grad school exam today. Yeah...that was not fun. It did make me realize just how much more work I need to dedicate to school this term. That, at least is something.

I am still behind in several classes and I'm not sure how I'm going to make it through. Most of it is a lack of motivation combined with exhaustion and the fact that my kids will not sleep at bedtime or leave me alone at study time. It's a no-win situation.

Kids + School

If you want a sure-fire way to cause massive temper tantrums in your house just tell your kids you are doing homework.

I promise you that within 20 minutes, they will all act like the world is coming to an end and you are a mean, vile person for neglecting them.

Meanwhile, your homework is expected to complete itself and your books should be inputting their information directly into your brain with no assistance from you.



Another FYI, school syllabi make WONDERFUL artwork...just ask my 2 year old.

Setback

The last couple days have not gone well for me. There's been some lines drawn in the sand and the stress is making it easier for me to choose to fall back into my old patterns.

The good note: I've been eating something daily. Nothing healthy and only once a day. But, I've been eating DAILY. I don't even have the words to say how huge this really is.

The not so good note: I don't feel hungry, even not eating. Not one bit. I also don't want to eat and forget to eat until the evening. I'd forgotten how EASY it is for me to not eat. I mean, I get busy and since I don't get hungry often ooops...the day is gone without me eating.

I'm too afraid to get on the scale right now. I had been steady for over a week, which is a good sign for me. Now....I don't know. I'll check in the morning and see where I am at.

At least I am eating every day, I'll take once a day if that gets me through this.

Learning to focus

I think many people would be surprised to know who unfocused I really am. Oh, I walk a good line and can fake it with the best of them. But, deep down I procrastinate everything and when it comes to it, just plain can't focus when I need to. It's like a dirty little secret to keep hidden from the world.

Because of this, I have spent countless hours pouring over self-help, spirituality, meditation, visualization, concentration, study skills, books, websites, practices, CDs, DVDs, anything to help me learn to focus. Nothing's worked. Maybe it's my method, maybe it's my subpar study skills (don't laugh, I may earn high grades but that's just b/c I learn to "speak" the individual language of my instructors fairly quickly, not because I have some study super powers. For whatever reason, I never gained the ability to focus for long periods of time on anything.

Or so I thought.....Apparently, according to those who know me well, I am incredibly focused when I want to be. I have to be interested in my topic (which is why I dropped Eng 101 3 or 4 times before I finally just finished the class) or somehow be personally invested in the outcome. Sorry to say, grades are not enough to make me put forth more than the minimal effort.

Now I know that I need to either be interested in a topic or have a personal gain in order to be willing to expend the effort and focus on it. So I am resorting to the ages-old parenting trick---bribery. Yup, I will bribe myself to focus on things I don't like in order to learn this invaluable skill.

The concept of rewarding oneself is not unheard of. Many motivational texts and self-help resources recommend rewards as a matter of course, whether it's for keeping a positive self-image, taking better care of oneself, or building a successful...whatever. We thrive on rewards. Having a goal seems to make the labor to get there bearable. So why not take that principle and apply it to focus?

I will still use other tools to help practice and hone this skill. A varied tool box is a valuable asset in almost any endeavor. My hope is that focusing becomes less of a struggle (making rewards less necessary) as time goes on. We'll see how well this works.

Too Little, Too Late or "I can't fix your mistakes"

ch had Like many parents, DH and I do not see eye to eye on many parenting decisions. I think one was is better, he thinks the opposite is the BEST. It's always something from school to medical care, from bedtimes to discipline. Like most parents, we've each had our non-negotiable sticking points. We've each had to give a little (or a lot). Compromise isn't the issue here. Every parent compromises, it's what parents DO.

No, our issue is something else entirely. Our issue is one parent, having INSISTED that their way was the "only way" for years, (Six to be exact, on this round) suddenly sees the error of their ways and wants the other parent to "fix" the problems that occurred. NOT out of any respect for the other parent, since that has been systematically dismantled in the preceeding years but because the first parent suddenly "found" an "expert" that says that what the other parent has been saying for YEARS is correct. The problem is that the kids have no respect for parent #2, having observed the treatment of parent #1. So, now that #1 has decreed that #2 is worthy of parental authority, the kids don't see it that way.

They remember #1 telling #2 for years that thier ideas were "worthless, garbage, not going to work" and reinforcing those words with actions that countered anything #2 would try to do. The result is kids who don't respect #2 as a parent and fear and loathe parent #1(which is what #1 was ultimately AIMING for to begin with until an "expert" said that fear may not be the best tool). Now, all of a sudden #1 wants #2 to fix all the "mistakes" and make things better after #1 spent so many years systematically destroying any credibility #2 had with the kids. Not gonna happen.

Have you ever TRIED to set a routine with kids who know you have no parental authority? Enforce rules, bedtimes, nutritional guidelines, anything? Yeah...I may as well move a mountain with a spoon. Every single decision I have made regarding my children has been criticised, torn down, and disregarded OPENLY to them. They know for a fact that whatever I tell them, their dad will say pretty much the opposite. Now that the damage is done, he expects me to rush in and "fix" everything. I didn't make this mess to begin with.

This is not to say I am totally blameless in this situation. I could have stayed gone any of the times I left. I could have....but I didn't. I was so beat down and tired that I just gave up, figuring that he was out to "win" at any cost any way and at least by staying I would have some tiny say in my kids lives. Now I *can't* fix this. At all. There is nothing I can do by myself to make this situation better. Since the kids only listen to him (and only under threat at that) NOTHING I say or do is making a difference. And because I CAN'T fix this, he WON'T. Anything that requires forethought or effort or respect for the children as people is beyond his ability to comprehend.

For example, I expect my children to be self-sufficient. As any parent of multiple kids knows, there comes a time when they outnumber you. I can't be in all places at once. Because of this there are certain things I expect them to be able to do for themselves, so I taught them these skills. Such things as getting the milk from the fridge and a cup from the cupboard for their drinks, getting their own cereal, making their own sandwiches. My oldest has been doing these things since he was TWO. I showed him and then let him learn to do it himself. When number 2 reached 2, I did the same. All was well until Dad decided that doing these things was "off limits", not only was it off limits now, it had ALWAYS been off-limits and how dare I teach them these things?

But now I'm "good enough" to help clean up this mess? NOW I can try to teach the kids to be self-sufficient, to care for their property, to be conscientious of others? Now that he's found an "expert" that says fear and violence are not the answer, and that kids NEED consistency, routines, trust to thrive. NOW I can be a parent.

It's too little, too late. I cannot fix this. HE needs to take the initiative and unshow the kids all the disrespect he's taught them. It's not just saying "listen to mom" it's DOING it. Until that day comes, there's very little I can do.

Decisions, decisions....

Well, I have decided to stop the diet for right now. For one thing, it was making me sick and as soon as I started eating more I started feeling better. The main reason really has nothing to do with weight or dieting and everything to do with my eating disorder.

My family has watched me struggle with eating for over twenty years now. I know, I know, I'm fat and fat people don't have eating disorders that don't include binge eating, right? Well, not exactly. I am fat because I can "forget" to eat for days....sometimes three or four at a time. When I remember and eat, no matter what I eat my body holds on to every bit of it, waiting for the next starvation period. I got so bad during one of my pregnancies that my husband would call people and have them bring me food at regularish intervals, NOT remind me to eat but physically HAND me the food. Pregnant and I needed to be reminded to eat.

Anyway, that's one thing this diet really brought home to me: how much I need to learn to eat regularly first. Even on the diet I could "forget" to eat a meal or two or just eat one protein portion per day, I mean it was so easy for me to just keep on. Which meant, once the diet was over the weight would creep back up again too. I can't keep doing that to myself.

Instead, I am making a concentrated effort to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY. My goal is 4 times per day at least, preferably 5-6. I need to eat reasonable sized portions of healthy, regular food at least 4 times per day. This means, a measured bowl of cereal, one muffin, etc when I wake up, a small sandwhich, salad, soup, fruit, etc in the afternoon, and a meal consisting of protein and fruit/veggie in the evening with AT LEAST one snack thoughout the day. Snacks are: a piece of fruit, salad, veggies, etc. I don't need to eat things that are overly sugary, salty, etc. I don't want them and I don't particularly like most of them anyway.

So far, I've been doing pretty good. I'm getting support from my family. But it's so hard.
For twenty years I have been good at just not eating and now all of a sudden, I need to EAT. I don't really get hungry anymore so I'm making myself eat while thinking "I don't really need to do this". But I do, I really do.

Once I feel that I've gotten THIS part of it under control, I will then focus on the weight issue if need be. Then I can look at what I need to change and do in order to make me healthier. I can't successfully lose weight if I continue to "feed" my disorder. I need to get this under control so I can be healthy.

Sick

Well, the grand experiment is not going well. Not sure if it's the diet or the nasties going around but I have been sick this week. It's not been fun. Actually, dizzy, lightheaded, headaches, sore throat, and jaw pain seem to indicate an infection. So, back on the antibiotics. I really hope I feel better soon. I can't eat because of the pain in my jaw, I can't sleep because of the headache, it's a crappy situation all around.

New Diet

Well, I started a new diet last week. Since "diet" is usually a dirty word in my house, this is something that I really believe may work for me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered.

Anyway, the first few days have been rough, as in I'm feeling sick rough. There isn't the hunger, you know the kind, the all consuming hunger you get when you start a new diet and realize that if you follow "the plan" you will never eat the foods you like again. Theoretically, once I finish this I should be able to eat pretty much whatever I want, in reasonable sized portions. Sounds good to me.

The hubs is less than enthusiastic about the whole thing, especially since I'm having trouble. He's got good reason, for once both him and G are on the same level of concerned. I have had trouble with my eating for many years. I will frequently 'forget' to eat, sometimes for days. This has resulted in my body being convinced I was starving to death even when I'm not. The only way I have ever been able to lose weight is to eat, a ton. That's very difficult to do when 1)you don't really like to eat and 2)you go through periods several times a year where food is not really available on a regular basis. It's counter-intuitive to restrict caloric intake when you already have a problem with caloric intake.

It's a grand experiment and we'll see how it goes. I am down a couple pounds already but unless I lost a ton overnight, I lost more in the week I spent preparing to diet than I've lost since starting the diet. If the symptoms don't resolve themselves soon, I will not be able to keep this up. I am on the go too much to risk being lightheaded, dizzy, and on the verge of passing out while on the road. The next few days will be key in determining how the rest of this goes.

Today's List

Two words: Job Interview!

That is all.

Yup...no easing here

We are entering week 3 of WH. It sucks to say the least. Last week they increased from 2 to 4 days instead of the usual 3, 3, 4. THIS week they are bumping the time TWICE: from 4 to 5 days and from 3 to 4 hours. So, last week's schedule of 12 hours work hardening became 20 over night as we added an extra 4 hour day and an extra hour to the program. J was non-functional before, I expect it to get much worse now.

Foodage

Because I don't have anything of value to say I will share food.

Note: I am not a "by the recipe" cook, I'm a "pincha" cook. Take a pincha this and a dabba that and mix until it looks right. Almost any recipe I post can be modified to taste pretty easily.

Today's foodage: Veggies with asian-inspired dips.

Sesame dip: mix sesame seeds, a dash of sesame oil, dash of mirin, and soy sauce to taste

Ginger dip (with or without garlic): mix soy sauce and mirin to taste until blended, add grated ginger and/or garlic to taste. I grate my ginger and garlic fresh right into the dips.

Take your veggies: we like green beans, summer squashes, onions, carrots and saute until crisp-tender. You can use a nonstick pan, a little olive oil, whatever. Serve with dip.

Easing into the routine

Today was a long day. J had his first day @ work hardening and came home wanting to go directly to bed. Apparently he forgot that when you have children, sleep occasionally becomes a luxury and she who got NO sleep gets priority on the sleep list. He lucked out since we ALL had a long day and the littles went to bed very, very early and T and I are sitting here with fresh brownies and an evening movie. This will be a "light" week for him, he only goes 2 days. Next week is a FULL week. It's going to be a long haul.

In better news, the co is getting him a rental car. We have to front the gas (b/c we just have TONS of extra cash lying around) but we should get it all back in mileage reimbursement, in theory. If the theory is false, they will have to figure a way around it since I am stuck paying out of pocket for day care until the aid comes through.

I have several job prospects and one very exciting possibility on the horizon. I need to apply for the jobs and study the requirements of the exciting possibility. I'm finally starting to come out of my slump and things don't feel quite so hopeless anymore. Tiring and crazy, yes. Hopeless, no.

Overview

Alrighty then....I seem to have forgotten about this blog for oh.....a YEAR!

But what a year it's been!

I've spent time dealing with school, internship, work, family, and program responsibilities.

Oh, and my husband was in an accident @ work last fall. That took up a little time.

I still managed to:

Graduate with honors
Move
Finish my program (not my best work but it was a passable first attempt)

Things are finally starting to calm down and become more stable here. Looking forward to the fall and some more positive changes coming my way.